Weary Parent: Parenting Tweens & Teens

Help! I Hate My Teen’s Friends

by Christine on May 8th, 2008

The other day I told you why I don’t like a couple of my son’s friends. So what are we doing about it? When you don’t like the kids your teen is hanging out with you need to tread lightly. Teens rarely respond well to ultimatums. It’s better to make them think it was their idea to stop chilling with that person.

There are few ways parents can handle your teens troublesome friends. Here are two things I DON’T recommend:

1. Forbid you child from seeing them. This rarely works. We all remember when we were teenagers. When our parents said “left” we said “right.” Even if going right meant it took us a half hour longer to get there. Teens don’t want to be told what to do. They think they are mature and can make their own decisions. If you forbid them from seeing their friend they will just continue to do it behind your back. When she says she’s at Sarah’s house, is she really at Sarah’s house? Or is she at the mall with Dana?
2. Ignore it. They don’t choose your friends, so you shouldn’t choose theirs. They are old enough to pick their own friends now. I’m sure most of use see the fault in this one. If you’re anything like me, this would last about two days of them hanging out with their druggy friend before your head explodes. They aren’t on their own yet. They still need our guidance.

So what should you do? You should talk to your teen.

• Be honest. Tell your teen you would rather she not hang out with that friend, but don’t make it a threat. Say, “I worry about you when you are out with Carrie.” Tell your teen what it is about their friend that bothers you, but don’t be accusatory. Don’t say, “I hate your friend John because he smokes.” That will just be the beginning of a fight. Instead say, “I wish John didn’t smoke. It’s so bad for his lungs. And I worry about the secondhand smoke when you are in the car with him.” Use it as a starting point for a conversation about the tough issues.
• Ask his opinion. Say “what do you think about John smoking?” Make it a two-way conversation and honestly listen to what your teen has to say rather than just giving your advice. Kids just want to be heard and to feel like you are truly listening.
• Talk to him about peer pressure. “Has John ever asked you to smoke? If he ever did what would you say?” Discuss things he can say when he’s in the moment so he’s prepared.
• Tell him you trust him and trust that he will do the right thing. Do this partly to quilt him in to being good because when he goes to take that sip of alcohol he’ll have your voice saying, “I trust you” in the back of his head. And do it partly to actually build trust with your child. He may still take that sip, but will do it knowing the consequences. And you’ll know you did everything you could to talk him out of it.

I’ve said before that letting my kids go is the hardest part for me. When I found out my son’s friend smokes pot and drinks my first thought was to stop all contact, but when I stopped hyperventilating and thought about it I knew that wouldn’t work. If my son was a constantly in trouble then I’d likely lock him in his room. But that’s not the case here. He’s a good kid and I just need to learn to trust him. I need to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them. Even though it’s hard.

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POSTED IN: Communication, Friends